CW/TW: sexism, misogyny, cisnormativity, heteronormativity.
The friendzone is built on several problematic themes. Among them, the top most noted ones are sexism and misogyny, where the common usage of the friendzone meant that a person owed the other sex in exchange for being kind or “the nice guy”. I say sexism and misogyny because its roots are in men claiming they had been friendzoned by a girl they are “friends” with. It objectifies women and reduces them. This isn’t to say that the friendzone doesn’t happen to anyone of all genders, merely that it’s roots are in what I have stated.
The friend zone usually lacks any type of communication, and even honesty, there is no attempt to establish what the nature of the relationship is or isn't - merely a set of expectations. If a person feels someone owes them romance, sex, or any combination of because they’re nice to them - then that’s just really gross and underhanded. If that person, instead, feels like they have an interest and/or feelings for another person, and they make an attempt to tell them, query, and/or discuss it - that's completely different. And a specific context needs to be involved to properly discuss that situation.
Being lead on is a different situation, and of course it can happen to anyone. Someone making false promises, failure of communication that is honest from all parties involved, mental manipulation and abuse - those are frequent factors in being lead on.
As relationships are like the people that are in them, and since such can evolve from “just friend” to something different or more than that, and a relationship can change to a friendship - it’s important we recognize that these relationships and friendships are equally valid and important. That it is about evolving, and not about upgrading or downgrading. The word ‘friend’ should be a positive one, and not thought of as something lacking or waiting for more.
A side note about Friends with Benefits (FWB) and No Strings Attached (NSA)...
It’s important to recognize that even these are considered relationships, no matter how casual or serious or committed, how short/brief or how long. It is important that anyone and everyone be informed, aware, and consenting. I cannot dictate to what extent or what that means for everyone, and I recognize not everyone will agree with me on all of this. But communication and safety is key for everyone. And in my opinion, especially more so for friends who may become FWB, as someone may want to take their feelings and the bond you have into more consideration.
Remember that all relationship require regular communication and check-ins, and especially so where explicit boundaries and understandings are to be established.
A friendly reminder that FWB is not a booty call, and that NSA might be for some.
Thank you to co-contributors: Jake Schmunk, Natasha Dodsworth, and Anonymous for collaborating with me on this post.